How to Relate to Elderly Parents
Ways to Help Improve a Relationship with Aging Parents
Jan 29, 2009
When aging parents enter late life, things change. Adult children of elderly parents can learn to relate better and deepen their relationship with the elderly.
There are many reasons why relationships with elderly parents change when elder parents enter the late life stage (early seventies.) The best thing adult children can do at this stage of their aging parents lives is to be conscious of what is changing and re-evaluate how they relate to the elderly parents.
Things to Know When Relating to Elderly Parents
- Children or grandchildren who may have been the center of the elder parents' world may now tire them out.
- Elderly parents may not be as able or willing to help out as much as they may have before.
- The elderly's needs in relationship with their grown children may be changing and if they do not verbalize this need, they may feel angry or appear distant or intolerant.
- Their friends and relatives may be dying and they may be experiencing a lot of grief and losses.
- The aging parents may be looking back on their lives and experiencing regrets, or trying to resolve unresolved feelings and lifelong issues.
- They may be worried about the future or finances.
- Cognitive abilities may be slowing down and hearing and vision may not be great anymore.They may not be as engaging, especially in large groups.
- The elderly may be worried about their own health and loss of physical abilities or the health of their spouse.
- They may like to have some help and support but may not wish to ask.
- Aging parents may be contemplating what it will be like to die. Death and illness are taboo subjects, and they may not talk about this unless someone invites them to.
Concrete Ways Adult Children can Relate Better to the Elderly
- Make time to visit aging parents (at times other than holidays) and spend one-on-one time with each of them. Ask parents about their experiences and thoughts about aging.
- Recognize the changes and losses elders are going through. Ask about them.
- Adult children and grandchildren can interview elderly parents about their lives, and record the interviews.
Ways Adult Children can Relate Better to Aging Parents Emotionally
- Adult children can become aware of the things that still drive them crazy about their parents. Are the adult children still reacting emotionally to these issues? Is there a better, more mature response? How would the adult child respond if this was not a parent, but a kind old elderly neighbor?
- Are adult children still fixated on what they didn’t get from their parents, whether it be approval, validation, love or affection? Of course children deserve to have all of the love, validation and everything that they need. However, people are limited. Parents are limited. Can the adult child realize that it wasn’t due to parental malice, just human limitation? Sometimes people know this intellectually, but they are still emotionally triggered. Can they finally let it go, even on an emotional level? Can the adult child see that it wasn’t because he or she wasn’t worthy, but simply that the parents were limited?
- Can the adult children see their parents as having been “good enough”, in spite of their flaws (i.e. if they were , in fact, not abusive and dangerously neglectful.)
- Can they give the parents what they themselves did not receive, whether it be love, affection, positive regard, or care? It takes a lot to do this, but it can be very healing.
- Can adult children use humor and turn frustrating moments into a shared laugh?
- Adult children can stop trying to "fix" or "change" the elder parents, and simply try to provide the kind of help the parents want or need.
Being a good listener and communicating assertively can help smooth out the emotional wrinkles and help people connect with each other more meaningfully.
Adult children can accept the fact that they may, one day, have to care for their parents. Being informed and knowing what to expect can help it not seem so burdensome. There are many books available to help adult children better understand their elderly parents.
If this life transition is successfully negotiated, adult children and their aged parents can develop a more satisfying relationship. If not, distance and regret can result.
The copyright of the article How to Relate to Elderly Parents in Caring for Family Members is owned by Lisa C. DeLuca. Permission to republish How to Relate to Elderly Parents in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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