Surviving the Holidays with the Family
Improving Family Relationships and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries
Holidays can be tense because family members who usually have their own lives and space are suddenly thrown together for a short time in a different environment. Ben Franklin is fabled to have said, "Family and fish, bad after three days." This quote has much wisdom.
Being smart about family relations can save much angst and make the holidays what they should be, a time for rest, relaxation, and good times.
Put the Family into Perspective
Therapist and counselor Maggie Scarf defines the family as a single entity, or system, that functions collectively, with every member having roles. A child born into a family is connected in a web of family values, assumptions, and behaviors. For better or for worse, the parents and family help define who that child will grow up to be.
It's normal to feel a lot about family members, dwell on relationships that are not going well, and even dread certain times together. Improving family relationships takes patience, persistance, and a life-time of trial and error.
Family Conflict
The family's strong bonds makes it a landmine for conflict. Conflict occurs when one family member violates another's boundaries. A boundary is an internal security system that a person employs to avoid getting hurt.
For example, every time someone mentions Cindy's divorce, her eyes get hard, she purses her lips, and everyone knows not to talk about ex-Uncle Sydney. Dad/Grandpa, however, begins to tease her about her poor choice in men. This teasing is a boundary violation, as it violates Cindy's express wishes not to be reminded of that pain at family gatherings.
Finding Boundaries and Keeping them Safe
Knowing what boundary violation will upset you is important in navigating the family. Take some time, reflect, and make a list of what certain family members do that make you fume and vow to never spend Christmas with them again. Use the following questions as a guide:
Question 1: What happened last time that upset me or made me angry?
Question 2: What happens when I get angry?
Question 3: How could I handle this situation in a different way?
When you have made your list, brainstrom ways to politely reinforce your boundaries. For example, Cindy wants to reinforce her boundaries so she and her children can enjoy holidays with her parents.
Cindy approaches Question 1. Cindy usually ignores Dad's teasing and then bursts into tears, which makes Mom/Grandma yell at Dad/Grandpa and the grandchildren wonder what has happened. If Cindy made a list of what made her angry, she would write, "Dad teasing me about my divorce."
When Cindy considers what happens when she gets angry, (Question 2) she writes, "I shut down, and then cry." If Cindy decides she doesn't want to cry in front of her children, she might choose to handle the situation in a different manner.
Cindy decides to handle the situation differently this year (Question 3). She vows to let her father know he has violated a boundary. She practices in her head.
"When Dad starts to tease me about my divorce, I will say, "Dad, I am not comfortable talking about my divorce right now. I love you and want to enjoy the holidays with you. Please change the topic."
Modifying a few behaviors may not get to the root of Cindy's anger, however, Often, what upsets people about their families is rooted within themselves. Internal work such as therapy can be crucial in healing deep family wounds and enjoying life again.
Family Over Time
Changing any relationship takes time. Nobody likes to change, and indeed, the only person you can truly change is yourself. Letting go of your own expectations for family members is the first step in finding familial happiness.
Yet every adult has choices, choices about who they associate with, how much they can take, and how they want to spend the holidays and raise their own family. Being smart about your needs and your family's needs over the holidays can save much heartache.
Some family members are favorite people, sources of wisdom, love, and constant strength. Others can feel like black holes sucking the life from around them, and indeed, the first kind of family member can too easily become the second type with boundary violations. Be smart, listen to yourself, and don't be afraid to say "no" to anyone this holiday season. It could just be the best gift you could ever give to yourself.
Scarf, Maggie. Intimate Worlds: How Families Thrive and How They Fail. Trade Paperback. 1997.
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